THE FOULEST EVER

Monday, September 30, 2013


Last week was interesting.  The weekend was even more interesting.  The end.

I wish it was the end.  We are still living the interesting.

Emma pooped clean through her pajamas last Thursday.  And then threw up.  I had hoped it was just an upset stomach.  Clearly it was more.  The kid had the foulest smelling poops, which were not completely solid for the next day and a half.  Miss Joy told me she'd never smelled anything so bad, that it was like something died in my child.  Yes, yes that's what I thought too.  She told the same to David and then suggested that we see a doctor.  Maybe she was concerned there was actually a dead mouse or rodent inside Sweet Cheeks (whose cheeks were sooooo not sweet at this point).

I called the pediatrician for an "urgent" appointment on Friday and we got seen in like 20 minutes.  That's how I roll.  Took care of her flu shot while we were there too.  Bonus sauce.  She apparently just has a stomach bug.  A bad one that has lasted at least through last night.  She threw up Saturday morning, and pooped nastiness 8 times.  8 times on Sunday, too.  I worked all day Saturday, so by the time Sunday rolled around, we were done with Emma poop. We've pushed liquids and probiotics and prayed.  Because whatever has gotten inside that kid, has made her off the chart fussy.  She smacked David.  (that was funny though and not at all appropriate) 

Screaming fussy.  Top of her lungs in aisle 8 of the Harris Teeter.  Mental note, always bring goldfish.  And if you do not, just take from the shelves at Teeter.  Ask no questions.  Loot at will.  It's for the good of society, or at least the people in the Teeter.  She would not eat the sample ham and cheese and cookies.  She would take a Dasani water bottle and shove it all in her mouth.  While screaming.  I had chicken in the cart, I couldn't do anything but try to hide.  And then, I had to pee.  With her and an open water bottle (that of course she had the cap to).  Me and the cart and the kid and the chicken into the handicapped stall.  Best be sure I went down the wine aisle before we left.  Sorry Teetergoers.

I thought to call the hospital and see if I could do a return or at least an exchange.  I got the wrong baby.  My baby isn't supposed to scream one second and laugh the next.  Like we were hurting her.  Horrible.  Please, please stomach bug.  LEAVE US NOW.  I may need recreational drugs if not.  Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.