INSANITY

The things that I thought I would be worried about when Emma was born included things such as sleep, breastfeeding, crying and cute outfits.  What I didn't necessarily count on was becoming stressed out about kindergarten.  And I mean SUPER STRESSED THE WHOLE HOUSE IS CONCERNED stressed.  We all want what's best for our kids and who knows what that really means, but to us, it means education.  And so the realization that kindergarten is looming has freaked us just a bit.  (I will need serious medication because OMG my little girl).

This may be an easier scenario had we had cash money.  Or a trust fund.

So we are working on letters and I submitted applications to all the lotteries (and got denied from them also).  If we could just get a checkbook fairy to drop by, I feel certain that we could dominate this part of life.

Meanwhile, we are working hard to make sure we're growing up a lovely girl with a great attitude.  It works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.  And the next minute, she is the sweetest thing you've ever seen in your life.  The kid is a hambone and we love her so much.

Emma Rose is currently in the midst of soccer - she's scoring goals yall.  She also religiously now takes gymnastics, which she just absolutely adores.  She literally bounces for 45 minutes while there.  And she expects to go to Moe's after (kids eat free and she gets a balloon).  I am tired of Moe's.

She's a sweet and very smart girl and knows how to play people.  She cares for others.  She cries crazy tears when she gets a boo boo and insists on many many bandaids.  I've heard that is a thing for the little children.  She cracks me up on the daily.  She says obviously untrue things and then replies "I'm just joking."  Of course.  She loves to sing Katy Perry's Firework song and knows that she's unable to watch certain things on tv because they are just for grownups.  She is an avid Tar Heel fan, which means she declares each day her love for the Tar Heels and will add "We don't like Duke."  We are definitely doing something right with this parenting gig.  She doesn't like to wear red because it's "Wolfpack colors."  That should be fun at Christmastime.

She's gotten so SO SO big, and every once in a while I see a big person.  And every once in a while I see that sweet little baby face that's on our wall.  And those are the things I didn't count on when having a little Emma.  Longing for a baby, enjoying my little girl, and worrying myself to the death about the future of that preciousness.

Presh to death.

ONCE I WAS TWENTY YEARS OLD

And the last thing on my mind was having a family.  I was mostly concerned with where my next rum drink was coming from and if I was going to get an A on my Bio exam.  Obviously.  Fast forward 10 years and my Mom passed away right in front of me, the day before my 30th birthday.  Fast forward again and I am beyond lucky to have a wonderful husband and daughter and dog.  How did that even happen?

So. Emma.  She will be 4 in August.  FOUR.  I mean, what?  Each day I am so totally sad that she's not a baby and her feet are large and that she's learning all sorts of words (mostly ones that she uses sarcastically).  And each day I try to enjoy the girl that she is that day, because the next day she's going to be freaking bigger than the day before.  And it's all sorts of messed up.  Mix in wishing for her to go to bed quietly and all of these things add into a crazy Christmas wish list that no one could figure out.

The scary of it is that soon, she will actually be five and you're five when you go to kindergarten and that's just too much for me.  And I don't even still know how I go to this point because I distinctly remember calling David to tell him that this baby was on the way and I asked him if he wanted to have a baby and he said yes and I said "well, I don't know....maybe we can wait the three weeks until she was supposed to arrive."  For the love.  I was so stupid nervous and scared and not wanting to do any of this until I had mentally planned that this was happening.  And none of it happened how I thought.....and he marched in and said "you should be glad you had a c-section, can you hear that lady next to us?"  Well, yes.  I guess.

And I never EVER really got past the thought I might actually die in that hospital room to stop and think how amazing that this little girl that came about because of the two of us was.  And how little she was and how each day I would want to go back to the one before.  I miss that.  I miss that excitement of a new life and all things were about me and her and her and me.

Now things are about her wanting ice cream and not eating her green beans and throwing her shoes across the room and refusing to put on her underwear.  Gosh, it's great.  And it's not.  But tomorrow I will miss it.

THE BEST OF TIMES, THE WORST OF TIMES

It's been a while since I have been so saddened by a sporting event.  But it happened last week in Houston.  David and I had the trip of all trips - we ate the best Mexican food, the best brisket and the best steak we've ever had.  We took Uber all over the city.  We drank Texas beer and met many nice people.  (my view of Texas is formally changed to the positive).  We walked here and there and enjoyed the hell out of Houston.  And that doesn't even include the amazing basketball we got to see.  Except for those 4.7 seconds of pure awful.

I have never wanted anything more (well, I have, but relatively speaking...) than two wins in Houston.  I wanted the championship shirt.  I wanted to tell people I was there.  I wanted the world to know that despite all the odds against us, Carolina prevailed.  I wanted it for me and David, to make the trip completely worth it.  I wanted it for our school, because we needed it.  We deserved it.  I wanted it for the players, who could not be better people.  They deserved it more.  It's been a rough few years and for the whole thing to go down as it went down.  Well, that was bad.

Whining about the officials is legitimate, but still doesn't help get us that ring.  Whining about missing free throws or layups or wondering why we took those shots....still doesn't get us the ring.  But we won.  Because we have character.  Because we almost won in spite of all that was against us.  The refs, the shots, the mess of the last few years...

I am so proud of our team.  I am so sad for us.  But we still had a blast.  (and I am still exhausted).

God bless Texas.

KICKING AND SCREAMING

Just another day in paradise.  Emma, as precious as she is, is a bit spoiled.  She likes her way, and she likes it all of the time.  She has no reason to fight over things, she's the only kid, and it's not like I'm trying to play with her toys.  (those Magnatiles though...)  So, when things are asked of her, sometimes she plays objector.  And sometimes, like the last two days, she straight up kicks her teacher in the shins.  The first of those days, she did it in front of the preacher.  Well, if that's not a reason to go to church...  So, when she did it again yesterday, I got a nice phone call and a request to come pick up the lil delinquent.  Here is hoping for a better day today because I cannot adult anymore.

In other news, WE ARE GOING TO THE FINAL FOUR!  And by we, I mean me and David and Carolina and for the love of everything it's going to be awesome.  We spent a good deal of cash in relatively little time preparing for this, but as David said..... "making memories."  And I can't wait to celebrate 5 years with him.  Watching basketball.  How romantic :)

Anyway.

I have figured out that I am not the best at this parenting thing.  I don't know how to make her do what I want when I want her to do it.  It's like she's a person and is making all these decisions to spite me.  Oh.  Well.  So, we are switching up strategies.  My goal every day is to not yell at her.  I have been successful maybe one day.  It's like when I get home and it's time to put her to bed, I just cannot.  I am done.  I am ready for an hour of my life until I wake up and do it all over again.  Except I can't sleep.  It's kind of nightmarish.  Maybe she gets this whole frustration thing honest.  And by maybe, I mean, bless her heart, she does.

FAILURE AND SUCCESS

I graduated high school, and then college, and then grad school.  Those items I'd deem great success, perhaps the high school event less so.  I found the man I married and made it happen, which seems like it worked out very well.  We created a baby named Emma, who is growing up to be somewhat amazing.  We have a lovely home and two cars and a cocker spaniel.  On paper, those things are all awesome and would make me think that the American Dream landed in my lap.

I am blessed in all of those ways.  I am very grateful for my job and the things that I get to do for money on a daily basis.  The fortunateness of it all isn't lost on me, but then I look at where I thought my life would be and it isn't there.  My college magazine comes in the mail and looking at the class notes of people in my class and the ones before and the ones after....  I'm not there AT ALL.  These people are CIOs of companies, doctors in Malaysia, run their own law firm and pretty much have won at life.

Maybe I am just happy where I am, not trying to get destroyed in the corporate world.  Maybe I am scared to try something completely new (though the whole baby thing was what I'd call "new").  For whatever reason, the networks I have or don't have, the outgoing qualities that I left behind in my preschool classroom... I am just not there.  So, those magazines, when they come in my mailbox?  I drop them like a hot potato, because otherwise it leaves me feeling like a big fat failure, when my life is so. much. more.

What my life is ....is wonderful.  I am a wonderful wife.  I am a wonderful mother.  Despite feeling like a Pinterest fail on the daily, I am decent at both roles.  I am a wonderful daughter.  I am a wonderful worker.

All the days and all the hours that I felt like I failed at everything I did, because I was all of those things.  All at once.  And it's hard to think you're dominating when you're spread out, but I am.  I am dominating it all, and that's definitely a great success.